12/20/23: The Unknowns.. Am I just crazy?

"Advocate like a Mother" - as seen on a t-shirt"

There are the good days, the bad days and the flying by the seat of my pants, I don't have a clue what is happening days. 

As a Minnesota resident, this is the season of illnesses. With Henrik, it is easy to diagnose the common cold, stomach bug, strep throat, or ear infection. Henrik can be good as new with rest or an occasional trip to his primary care to get medication. With Callum it is not that simple. It is a constant guessing game with multiple appointments and phone calls to be made. As I sit on hold with Gillette today after going to his primary care this morning and making a call out to the Mayo Clinic for GI, I am anxious that we will be making a trip to the ER and still won't have any answers. Every ER trip lasts an entire day and is mainly to rule out the serious illnesses/ conditions. Overall, I am thankful we can rule out the serious issues but I'd really love to have a healthy 2 year old and not sit in the ER once a month. Not only is it exhausting,  but it gets expensive.

Callum is a child that vomits, after his hydrocephalus diagnosis last year and shunt placement he was vomiting 6+ times a day until his shunt revision in February.  After that, the vomiting went down to 2 times a day. In July, the Mayo Clinic put him on an anti nausea medication and the vomiting only occurred when he was crying, choking or had mucus drainage due to an illness.  He would still vomit once a week roughly but it was no longer daily and Callum was starting to improve. Right before Thanksgiving this year, Callum started excessively vomiting again. We took this to be the stomach flu as it had been going around and my husband and I both had it as well. Fast forward 1 week, all seems well and Callum starts vomiting again. Okay, is the another round of the stomach flu or something else? After 4 days we took him to his primary, after being tested for strep, influenza, covid and checking for an ear infection Callum was sent home with a swollen throat from a virus and instructed to rest. All seemed well again and he was acting like himself until last night when the vomiting started again. What is happening with my child? Is it a simple virus or something more? Now, after an inconclusive visit to his primary care we will be on our way to Gillette to rule out a possible shunt malfunction.

As his Mom, I have to fight everyone and anyone who easily dismisses him. Its a fight to advocate for my child. Most of the time I feel like I am a nutcase for this, you know that hypochondriac Mom who calls all the time and wont stop bugging you until hes seen? It's hard when your child is so complex and needs care at multiple different locations that don't communicate with eachother. It feels like an uphill battle and I'm torn between wanting a diagnosis/ answer for his vomiting and wanting it to be just another virus that he needs to overcome.

Advocating for a sick child is stressful,  especially when you don't have a medical degree. I've definitely learned more about the brain, spine and G-tube feeding than I ever anticipated I would in my life and maybe in the future I can turn it into a career as a PCA but for now I'll continue to advocate as a mother and hope for the best.

If you've been with me this long, thank you for reading.  I will post an update later on how Callum is doing after an MRI at Gillette today.

All the love,

Jasmine 

**UPDATE** the MRI came back normal, the Mayo Clinic doubled the dose of Cals anti nausea medication and that has seemed to help. Crossing fingers. 

12/30/23: Happy New Year!  Stuck in a rut.

Today was exhausting..after a trip to Walmart with a crabby 2 year old, drained husband and my 5 year old, I was left feeling like I wish I could just shut down for the day, or a week. I always end up with Mom guilt on days like today. I miss having a break from the family while I was working 40 hours. Since staying at home I have struggled to find a balance and time for myself. I honestly don't even know if I would know how to relax anymore.  When I do have time alone, I end up cleaning, doing laundry, sorting paperwork/ bills, mindlessly scrolling my phone or sleeping.  

How does one actively relax? I may need to look into meditation in 2024. Maybe even a small weekend getaway alone. Although, I wouldn't mind time away with the husband either. 

Finding a sitter with a medically challenged child for a few hours is hard enough.  I don't know that Michael and I would ever be able to get away for a full night again while Callum still has his G-tube.

My New Years Resolution will be to find more time for myself, so I can be a happier person, better Mom and more compassionate wife. It's hard to remember to take care of yourself when you're in a position like mine. I hope that others moms reading this will be encouraged to do as I say and not as I do.

02/02/24: Self-Care? Or escaping reality through a book?

"A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies... The man who never reads lives only one." - George R. R. Martin in his novel A Dance of Dragons

As part of my New Years Resolution, I decided I to read at least 1 book a month. I have always been an avid reader, so much so that I apparently told my teacher in first grade that "There is no better place than snuggled up in bed with your nose in a book". Much to my surprise that made her laugh even though I was being 100% serious.

I am one of those people who got sucked into "Fourth Wing" by Rebecca Yarros. If you like fantasy, I would definitely recommend.  I haven't been this excited about a series since I read "Gateway to Fourline" by Pam Brondos and before that the "Hunger Games Trilogy" by Suzanne Collins. I could not put the book down and was obsessed.  I finished it within 2 days. With the second book in the series I am trying to pace myself. Gotta find that balance right?

Reading has always been an escape for me, I have always enjoyed exploring new and familiar worlds through words. It is calming,and comforting and probably why I have read the same book or series many times over.

Although I have always enjoyed reading, part of me wonders if it is a coping mechanism for the stress in life. Am really lost in the story? Or am dissociating? Again, trying to find that balance.

Before I had children to take care of I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought.  My husband has his video games and I have my books. When you have responsibilities that follow you around 24/7 you start to become more aware. Mom guilt is brutal.

Don't get me wrong reading is great for the mind, body and spirit. I just personally have to reel myself back in when I find preferring the book I am reading instead of my reality. 

Am I one of the few Mom's that disassociate regularly? Is it normal when your children are young or is it my history with anxiety and depression? Is there a better way? 

03/18/24: Mental Health SHOULD matter (Trigger Warning ⚠️)

The irony is not lost on me that today, of all days, I feel obligated to write a post about mental health and the lack of affordable medical care surrounding it. 

Today marks the third anniversary of my little brother's death by suicide.  We took him off life support and had his organs donated (per his request) March 18th of 2021. Although I am proud that he was an organ donor at the young age of 18, I am sure people would understand that my family and I would rather have him here with us instead. 

I would be lying to myself if I were to say that I have been doing okay mentally, that my marriage is great, that I haven't felt on the verge of a mental breakdown all year. My husband and I went through some very traumatic events and are now just coming out of survival mode and dealing with the aftermath. That said, I started therapy 2 weeks ago through an online app called talkspace and finally found a therapist I actually connect with (HUGE). Therapy has been helpful after only 2 sessions and I've been excited for the future. 

Today, the ball dropped. Insurance decided it will not cover even 1 cent of my weekly 1 hour video therapy sessions. Why? Who the heck knows, they just decided that they won't. I have a meeting set up for today with an insurance representative I work closely with due to my sons medical issues and believe me, I will be fighting insurance to help cover this.  We can't afford the extra $125 a week and I can't afford to spiral out of control and have a mental health crisis when my family needs me.

Why not switch to somebody they cover you might ask?

As someone who has been in therapy on and off since I was a teenager, I can tell you it's not that easy. Finding a therapist that takes insurance? HARD. Finding a therapist your insurance actually covers? Even partially? EVEN HARDER. Finding a therapist your insurance covers and they have openings for new patients within the next calendar year? HAH GOOD LUCK. Finding a therapist that can take you asap, is covered by insurance, is close to your home and or allows video visits with flexibility that any mother, let alone medical mother needs? IMPOSSIBLE. 

It is also very important to have an actual connection with your therapist, otherwise it really just won't work. I have had therapists where I have had okay connections, a good connection, no connection and 2 now with great connections. Of course, the 2 I have connected with are the most expensive and insurance won't cover.

We wonder why there is such a mental health crisis in America? I am a 34 year old woman actively looking for mental health help and getting road blocked due to cost. What about the people who are in such a dark place they don't know how to get help? What about the people who can't afford insurance premiums? Hell, we can barely keep up with it when they haven't been covering anything in the last 3 years. We are over are heads in medical debt and although I know we will be alright someday; I worry for the 18 year olds, like my little brother,  who should still be here with us but isn't. The single Mom who works 3 jobs and can't afford to take off work for a therapy appointment across town. The soldiers returning home that have lost their way and need support. The police officers, the firemen and women, first responders, nurses. Every human deserves access to affordable mental healthcare.

Something has got to give. When will it not be so hard to have access to basic human needs like healthcare, food, water, shelter? 

Before anyone comes at me telling me to move to a Country that has access to those things, please ask yourself,  can I just pick up my entire life and family and move to another Country ? Then add the complexity of a special needs child and access to Neurosurgeons and Brain Specialists. 

Thank you to all and anyone who continues to read this. It is, dare I say therapeutic to gather my thoughts and write them down.

04/03/24: They are not your friends.

"Stick to your TRUE Friends and NEW Friends" - My husband Michael

Have you ever left something or someone feeling worse than you did when you arrived? Completely drained and that maybe the people you were with didnt have your best interests in mind?

I haven't been my best self lately and went out to dinner with old friends hoping for clarity about a situation, instead I wound up crying on the way home feeling duped and that maybe they really didnt care about my well being but enjoyed knowing the drama of it all.

As someone who my mother describes as "quirky" and identifies as socially awkward, friendship has never been my strong suit. I am extroverted enough where I can make conversation with just about anyone, but true friendship, ones that last and are good for the soul, that is where I tend to flop.

As a child and teenager I would have multiple friend groups that would change depending on the year or time in my life, it didnt help that my highschool was split between 2 schools for 9th-10th grade and 11th-12th (thankfully, for the future generations they are finally combining them). My constants growing up were my neighbor kids and sisters.

I was a drifter of sorts, even in my college days. I mainly hung out with the guy I was dating and their friends. When it was time to break up, I tended to lose those friendships.

Now, I can say that I have 3 true girlfriends and some new friends that are becoming great confidants. It wasnt easy though, and sometimes I still feel like I annoy them or need them more than they need me. I have always been my own worst enemy and let anxiety in. 

I encourage anyone who is reading this to reflect on their friend groups and keep note of who your true friends are. Find at least 1 person you can go to and talk about anything without feeling judgement, one who always has your back no matter what. Jani, thank you for always loving me and being kind to me when I am unkind to myself. You are truly a soul sister and I am so lucky to have you in my life.  Also, Thank you for reminding me why people from the past deserve to stay there. The ones that know you are spiraling before you even do, that text or call out of the blue just to say hello and that you are loved. Erin E, you are there to pick me up before I even realize ive been falling. Thank you for always reaching out. I will work on being better at reaching out to you as well. Starting that pen pal thing today! The ones who arent afraid to tell you that although they understand where you are coming from, you might be the asshole in the situation. Erin C (looking at you girl) although you've never used the word asshole, I was being one in that moment). I love your honesty and abilitly to see both sides of a situation. I appreciate you more than I can ever express. 

After you determine who your true friends are, even if it is just 1 (thats where we all start, I didnt have Jani until I was 19 and the Erin's came later) write a letter or card, send a text, make a phone call, reach out to them and let them know what they mean to you. They could being going through it like I have been and really need that love right now. 

As always, thanks for reading. Sending love to you all.

05/14/24: Letters I will never send

"There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go." - Finding Serenity Blog

As I have been working on myself in therapy over the last two months and have been able to make sense of my thoughts, I have found that I am a person that struggles to let go. Although I have always known that about myself, I did not realize how strong of a hold my past relationships, friendships, conversations, and events still have on me.

Tonight, I started a new process to try and help myself let go of those unecessary burdens. I am writing open ended letters to people that will never be sent in hopes to gain closure. So far (the 2 hours its been) I have felt a huge weight lifted and a lot of pent up anger released. I started with an open letter to my ex. When we broke up 12.5 years ago, I had just lost my sister Lianne due to meningitis. I hadn't even known she was in the hospital or sick. I recieved a call at work that she was gone and was still dealing with the trauma that caused when I decided to end my 3 year relationship. Although the break up was necessary and probably long overdue on my part, I have come to realize that I did not process it properly. I cut off contact and pushed all my feelings aside instead of working through them.  Now, as I find myself isolated and alone with a non-verbal 2.5 year old on a regular basis, I have had far too much time to think and dwell on all the what ifs of life. The fact that I have not processed/ coped with situations and people of my past has really come up to bite me in the ass.  So, I started writing letters to protect my mind and the well being of myself and family. 

I have gone back and forth on sharing these letters here, after all, it is my online diary. I am sure I will share one or two at some point. However, these letters are my view points and only one side of a two part story. It would be unfair to the people I am writing to and cause some unecessary drama and anger. I honestly do not have the emotional strength nor energy to deal with the repercussions of that right now.

People have often said that I could write a book about my life because I have had so many unique experiences and have asked why I don't pursue it. It is true, I could write a book, but at what cost? When I write about myself, children and spouse its usually based on facts or my feelings toward a situation. When it comes to my life situations and other people it gets messy. Im sure I will write future blogs that tiptoe around the feelings of others but if you have ever met me in real life you'd know that I care way too much about what others think about me to be so bold and write a book. Maybe, someday in the future, I will gain the courage. For now, I have this. 

Sometimes, letting go of past relationships and friendships is harder than grieving someone who has passed. You have to allow yourself to grieve a living person who no longer fits into your life no matter how much you'd love to leave room for them. There is no finality to it, you have to be stronger than your anger, curiosity and need for closure. As hard as it may be, somethings are better left unsaid.

As always, thanks for reading.

Love, 

Jasmine

06/03/24: Eating, the G-tube Life

"I've never met a family that regretted getting a G-tube for their child." - Dr. Acton (Callum's Surgeon)

We had a HUGE win today with eating! Callum ate an entire half of a swiss roll. He not only asked for more but he also didnt get upset when he got messy. Not many parents will understand the excitement, but for those that do, know im freaking out inside and grinning from ear to ear.

We met with Doctor Acton in December of 2023 when Callum was projectile vomiting 6 times a day and so far off his growth chart he was considered failure to thrive. After numerous ER visits, talks with his peditrician and back and forth with neurosurgery regarding his shunt, it was time to talk about a G-tube. Although the idea of adding another surgery (Number 7) seemed like we were testing fate, we knew that Callum needed to be able to have enough nutrition to thrive and not just survive.  Doctor Acton made us feel heard and seen as parents. He also is the only reason neurosurgery changed his shunt to an anti syphoning valve and made it so that his brain was no longer over draining. That surgery alone made his vomiting go from 6 times a day down to 2, and with the help of medication from the Mayo Clinic, I am happy to report the vomiting is no longer an issue and Callum is THRIVING.

Callum recieved his G-Tube on March 1st, 2023 and it changed our lives for the better. Within weeks, Callum was able to sit up unassissted, a few months and he was crawling, a few months after that he was finally walking after turning 2. The G-tube and overnight tube feedings have improved Cals quality of life ten fold.

People still ask on a regualr basis how long Callum will have his G-tube, and honestly, I dont know. I dont know that he will ever be without it and that is not a bad thing. Doctor Acton was spot on when he said he never met a family who regretted getting a G-tube for their child. I honestly wish I had known about it sooner. It has helped that much.

Callum's eating is a very SLOW rollercoaster. He has made some improvements in the last year and a half, but not anywhere near close enough to eat a meal that could sustain him for an hour, let alone everyday life. He drinks pediasure by bottle during the day and has an overnight feed of 360mls of pediasure over 8 hours, this is his primary source of nutrition.

He goes to speech therapy 2 times a week to focus on oral motor skills, strengh and endurance and occupational therapy 2 times  week for more of the sensory obstacles surronding food. He also does physical therapy once a week but that doesnt focus on his eating.

The swiss roll today was a huge win for speech as it was soft/ gooey and required more strength to chew and breakdown enough to swallow as well as for OT with the sensory, messy aspect of the chocolate and cream filling getting everywhere. He not only asked for more but didnt say "ew" once.

It is days like today that I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for all of the doctors in Callums life as well as the people cheering me on from the sidelines and helping me to keep pushing forward. Your unwavering support has helped us so much and we can't thank you enough.

As Always, lots of Love,

Jasmine

06/14/24: Patience 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." 1 Corinthians 13:4

I am not a religious person per se, or at least I haven't been in over a decade, but I am spiritual and respect all cultures and religions of others as long as they don't use them to spread hate.

1 Corinthians 13:4 is a bible verse that I find myself thinking about often. It was even in my wedding vows.

Tonight, im hyperfocused on the "love is patient" component. I used to take pride in being a fairly patient person, I wouldn't rise to anger quickly. I was someone who could shake things off. That is, until I became a Mom. Now, with my overstimulated mind and "touched out" body I can lose my patience and temper faster than I ever dreamed possible.

As I am learning to work on my patience, as a mom (my sassy 5 year old likes to remind me of this) and wife, I can't help but feel grateful for how patient Michael has been with me and my mental health struggles over the past few years. Of course he still has a slight temper and can get angry or frustrated with the kids and I (he is only human). However, when it comes down to what really matters, he has always been my constant anchor while patiently waiting for me to figure out my own mess so I can tell him how to help me through the storm.

We are in the HARDEST stage of marriage right now. Raising young children is a full time job and you never get breaks, it is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. Adding a disabled child (possibly 2) can add so much extra strain on any relationship. You lose any sense of what should be or could be coming in the future. The probability of parents with a disabled child getting a divorce is high, the statistics are not exactly in our favor. Over the past year we have had to put a lot of hard work into ourselves as individuals and as a couple. Tonight, I felt a shift happening, whether it is purely due to a change in perspective or something greater out there I do not know, but I have hope for the first time in a long time, that everything will turn out okay. 

We has human beings, need to be more patient with the people we care about, strangers, ourselves, and love in general because without the struggles and losses, would the wins be worth it?

People have asked me why I tell Michael everything, the good, the bad, and the in between. There are no secrets between us. The truth of it is, I honestly, don't know? Surely, there are things he doesnt need to hear or would rather not hear but it somehow feels wrong not to tell him, even if its something as mundane as I went the other way on my walk today. Maybe I am just selfish and need to get it off my chest and he accepts that part of me.

I am lucky to have found my best friend and married him. Although we have had some trials, and im sure more to come while raising our boys, I am confident that we will just keep getting better. 

Love is not easy, it has ups, downs and can platueau at times. Be patient with love and yourself. 

06/20/24: Siblings of Medically Complex Kids

“I wish the world knew what you know.To be closely acquainted with a person with a disability is a gift. Not everyone has the opportunity to do so. Living with your brother teaches you that disability is a natural part of life. You know that all accomplishments should be celebrated, even small ones. You know that life is precious." - Kelly Mastin 

Navigating the ups and downs of Callum's health as an adult has been hard enough, can you imagine being a child/ older sibling? 

Henrik was only 3.5 years old when his brother had his first surgery and Mom had to be away for a week. That surgery was the first of 7, and was scheduled. There have been numerous ambulance rides in the middle of the night while Henrik is sleeping peacefully, and thankfully,  most of the time we have been able to sneak back in the house before he wakes up. However, there have been times where he has woken up to his Aunt in the living room telling him Mom and Dad are at the hospital with his brother and that we don't know when all of us will be together again. The anxiety this has caused him is just heartbreaking. He will go places and worry that his Mom wont pick him up and I don't know how to fix that. It is easy for him to feel forgotten or not as important, even though he means the world to his Father and I.

As I have looked back on the past few years and specifically remember Henrik, I have a lot of guilt. I missed out on so much of his little life because I was in the hospital with his brother. He grew up before I could even take a deep breath and my baby was no longer a toddler but a kid. I try not to be too hard on myself, I know that I couldn't and wouldn't change anything I have done to take care of my boys but sometimes I wish I could wrap him up in a big bear hug and never let go. He had to grow up so much faster than kids his age, and has been through more trauma in 1 year than most people will in a lifetime.

We have had him in play therapy (he graduated), preschool, sports, on a waitlist for occupational therapy and have been making sure to spend one on one time with him but I still feel that it isnt enough. He is still struggling with anxiety, eating and  bursts of anger on a regular basis. In February, we were told that he may be on the Autism spectrum, high functioning, but he definitely has some traits and charateristics. Honestly, that was a relief to hear. Autism would make sense, and at least with a diagnosis we can start to intervene early and help make life easier for him to navigate. I was told that we would have to wait until he was 7 years of age for an official diagnosis but I will be looking into this further as his bad behaviors have become more frequent harder to control.

The young man Henrik is becoming makes me so proud that I cant even put it into words. He is kind, compassionate, funny, smart, sensitive, and has more empathy in his pinky finger than most adults I know.

That being said, Henrik has been being bullied for his sensitivity, kindness and empathy towards others. As his Mom, I am torn between crying my eyes out, kicking down doors and raising hell on anyone who hurts my baby, and pulling him out of society so I can keep him safe with me. None of those options are ideal or realistic, but how does one navigate their child being bullied? How can I keep my kind, empathetic child while still being able to have him be able to stick up for himself? 

Most 5 year olds have never expierenced fear, anxiety, or sadness like he has and I would never wish that upon another child. But how do you teach your child that they are unique and better off because of what they have experienced? When another boy tells him "only babies cry", how do I explain to my child, that the child who said that has probably had never had anything scary or hard happen in their life and in time will come to understand that crying is a healthy way to release anxiety and stress?

I truly believe, that although having a disabled child/ sibling is hard, it really is a gift. Its a gift of knowledge and understanding that life isn't easy for everyone. Small wins should be celebrated and life is precious. One should never take it for granted. 

In a world you can be anything, be KIND.

Always,

Jasmine

07/28/24: Always On Guard

As a medical Mom, I am always ON, there is no rest, even when I am sleeping.

We had a scare with Callum this past month, and although we don't have all of the answers we need, we can at least take a deep breath for now. Last month Callum started showing some abnormal signs/behaviors, ones that I haven't seen from him since before he had his chiari decompression surgery in October 2022. These behaviors generally show that the person or child is expieriencing extra pressure in their brain and/ or spine. This could mean a shunt malfunction, clog or the chiari has come back or worsened. With older children and adults, it is easier to determine what is happening because they can explain how they feel. With an almost completely non-verbal 3 year old,  its up to me as his Mom  to be super vigilant. 

Callum started with what I refer to as "the dead fish yoga pose". This is an automatic reaction people with severe brain injuries have to help relieve pressure. He also started crawling with his forehead to the ground. To a normal parent, this potentially could be explained away as behavioral and acting silly. To me, and any parent familiar with hydrocephalous, alarm bells started ringing. 

Knowing Callum wouldn't be seeing his neurosurgeon until January, I spoke with his OT about my concerns. She agreed that I should speak with neurosurgery.Thats when the hiccups and gagging started. Fast forward to 07/05/24, we were at Gillette after a quick brain MRI and shunt series and the NP said shes glad I brought him in, but until she speaks with his neurosurgeon the following Monday all she could tell us was that Cal was currently in stable condtion for the weekend and that we needed to document all of his symptoms. If it got any worse we were told to go to the ER.

That Monday, we were told that Cal would need a sedated MRI of his full brain and spine within 3 weeks to determine next steps. Talk about anxiety inducing. I always tell people that the unknowns and waiting is the hardest part of the journey. You just wish you had a plan and hope that your child isnt suffering, it makes any parent feel completely helpless.

The BIG MRI took place on 07/23/24, and we received better news than we expected. Although Callums chiari has returned, it is not causing a syrinx (blockage) that would be cause for immediate surgery and his brain is stable. We now have time to determine if the symptoms are being caused by something as simple a reflux, or his brain pressure. If his reflux is corrected and the symptoms are still occurring, we will look into brain surgery at that time.

We have an appointment with Gillette on 08/12/24 and are hoping to move forward with the necessary examinations and tests. Until then, this Mama will by extra vigilant.

For those who supported me and Michael through this past month, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. You really showed up.

With Love,

Jasmine

 

10/22/24: Mental Health Ups & Downs, Loneliness and being your own bestfriend.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”—Buddha

Where to start?!

Hello Friends, its been a while! Life is busy in the Guisinger household with school, swim lessons and soaking up family time when we can on the weekends.

That being said, I let myself, my needs and my blog fall to the back burner. Remember, this is the do what I say, not what I do aspect of my blog.

I had recently set a boundary with myself regarding an online cribbage game that I completely failed at keeping. Today, when talking with Henriks therapist, she told me to ask myself, "what need is this game fufilling that is not being met elsewhere and how can you fullfill that need by yourself and or with the help of others?"

After a lot of thought, I realized that need was companionship. Being a medical mom is lonely, I am generally stuck at home, a waiting room or in the car driving from one appointment to the next. I do not have the time in my daily life to join mom groups that have outings, or regular coffee dates and meet ups (if these groups even exist outside of the movies).

So, like every other millenial my age, I found myself turning to Google and this is what I have found so far.

What is companionship?

"A companion is a person who frequently spends time with you, associates with you, or accompanies you when you go places." - Dictionary.com

The companionship between two people is a bond where they enjoy each other’s company, share interests, and offer mutual support without necessarily involving romantic or sexual aspects. It’s about valuing each other’s presence and the shared experiences. A companion is there for encouragement, comfort and vulnerability. 

How do you become your own companion?

1: Be Kind to Yourself: Practice self compassion when things don't go as planned.

2. Set Boundaries: Recognize things and people in your life that drain your energy and learn to say no. Focus on things that make you happy. 

3. Practice positive self-talk:  Daily Affirmations anyone?

4. Meditate:  Affirmation Meditation, Abundance Meditation, Loving-Kindness Meditation and Positive Qualities Meditation.

Meditation can help you better understand yourself, increase positive feelings, and improve your mental health. It can also help you cope with challenges.

I have been wanting to get into meditation for a while now and have books on starting mediation. As I read these books, I will do my best to make notes and add a blog on mediation in the future.

5. Honor your Needs: this is hard as a parent, especially as a medical mom. As I practice this in real life I will try to provide tips on how to keep this goal,and not let it fall to the back burner.

6. Practice RAIN: RAIN is an acronym for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Non-Identification.

RAIN is something I will have to research more throughly before making any comments about it. But I like the general idea of it, so I decided to include it in this post.

Whether you are a medical parent, someone  who is lonely or just reading my blog because you want or feel obligated to, I encourage you to practice at least 1 of the 6 ideas above and see how it improves your life. 

I most likely will still play my cribbage game, but as it only has been a temporary solution to my loneliness and has had way too many creepy people, I will be setting better boundaries for myself and learning to become my own companion before relying on strangers to help me meet my needs.

If you need a friend or someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me here or by email at jnparne08@gmail.com.

Love to you all!

Jasmine